Original Book of Quotes
This is the Book of Quotes from the original WHOOKOS, a list of quotes said by WHOOKOS, and those associated with them. Some quotes were uttered once, others many times.
“I was making macaroni and all the steam hit me. It was nice; it was like a pasta-scented facial.”
“This is gay! Even the homeless people have jackets!”
“Well, I’m’a’ go read. ‘Swhat separates us from the animals…well…that, and our capacity to split the atom and blow the hell outta them dumb-ass communists.”
“The difference, you see, between a principal and a principle is that the former has never met the latter.”
“Caution: Warning labels inhibit natural selection”
“I haven’t slept in two days; I am literally the most heavily, legally medicated conscious man in the state of Utah; I can hardly count the fingers on my left hand for fear of speaking to my fingerprints. Life has never been better.”
“Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I m…you’re an airplaine.”
“If the shoe fits, it’s probably your shoe.”
~Random Fortune Cookie
“Kyo habe mein frienda ben faghumpen”
“You know a guy really cares about a date when he starts rationing his underwear”
“Get your minds out of the woods”
“Naked isn’t bad, it’s what you do with the naked.”
“Because, you know, girls own, and consequently we should allow our lives to own to the maximum extent before we bite the big one. Of course, if life owns, that kind of defeats the purpose of owning life, but hey, we can be suicidal paradoxists, it’s great fun!”
~”Unkle Sam” and Blackbelt Dolphin
“Somebody spiked my cheerios”
“Dude, math owns. Harattsa~!”
“We don’t need to get high; we’ve got motorcycles”
“There’s a dark side to the butt-cheek.”
“My advice: Eat, drink, and get naked.”
“The true art of gluttony requires zen like digestive meditation interspersed with balance among glut sessions”
~Thanksgiving BB of the <)
“See, by adding ‘ni’, you can make any one of these words into an adverb. But that makes translation from Japanese to English very difficult. Not everything in English can be adverbized. So you find yourself making up words such as ‘pitter-patterly’ and…’adverbized’.”
~Blackbelt Dolphin, with credit given to Greg Park and Pres. George W. Bush
“Keep your hands, feet, and all gaseous emissions to yourself “
“Little pudgies are the pure essence of cuteness.”
“Not to worry. You’re just catching the brunt edge of some residual sinicism”
“I’m young enough to have caught the tail end of the word perfect generation. I can’t spell. I get about three thousand red lines in my papers. The difference between me and my sophmores is that I know how to make the red line go away”
“Saturday night is God’s way of saying “You deserve a break after all the crap you just went through.” Monday morning is God’s way of saying “This is what you get for sleeping through church, boogerhead”
“Apathy is vastly unhealthy…but I don’t care.”
“Cows are the essence of blue blueberries humming merrily in the dooming of May”
“We need to recreate some of our big hit movies, only advance the story cut by cut; every cut consisting of it’s own blooper. I got the idea while trying to keep a strait face while attempting to free the flap of my boxers from my pants zipper.”
“I think…gher. Having a blond mind is difficult to work with. All I can think about is pickles and squirrels. I ate some cotton candy and my pink was tongue.”
“I’m not smart, you’re just really dumb.”
“I love sleeping…my life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake”
“When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the whole world wonder how you did it”
“If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade…or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler”
“If at first you don’t succeed, cheat, repeat until caught, and then lie!!”
“Wait… so I’m not even partly human? I’m half monkey half lizard and half Mormon?”
~Swiffer Wet Jet
“Hey God, This life didn’t work right, can I get a refund? ….Well can I at least get in-store credit?”
“Chunky people scare me.”
“Terribly sorry, I must ask you to check your face for authenticity.”
“We should install cameras in our butt-cheeks so we can see people’s faces when we moon them”
“I used to think that they put those books in the bathroom so you could read them while you were doing your business. That’s what I thought, up until I thought to myself: ‘Why is there an encyclopedia on Shakespeare’s English in the john?’ Then the librarian came up to me and said, ‘Sir, I would appreciate it if you would not releive yourself in the public library.'”
“I hate everybody equally, I just gave you the bigger share”
“You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose…..but you can’t pick your friends nose. “
“My beloved wife, I have given you all that you have asked for. I have provided you with money, protection, and love, but now you ask to spread my already scarse brain cells among the mysteries of womankind. I’m sorry, but I am only one man. There is not nor ever will there be a man with enough brain to comprehend…uhg.”
~Blackbelt Dolphin, with credit given to Kyo for problems of his Own Kind.
“Let’s do…in a ‘go’ tense.”
“It’s not really happy music. It’s more…look at the pretty thing kind of music.” (2:30)
“What is the airspeed velocity of an african swallow that ate an american that puked on his wife that ate a pizza frozen in kentucky made in france peed on in italy stolen from china and puked up by a rabbit that bought it from papa murphys?”
~Swiffer Wet Jet
“So what you’re telling me is that the second day of the month is two foot mosquitos?”
「その たいせつ な むらさき の じてんしゃ は どこ に ある か？」
Translation: Where is that important, purple bicycle?
“Hahah! You said valence electrons…’sounds like underpants! Heheh”
“Kyo’s pocket will obey Kyo!”
“I’m too fat for toothpaste”
~Swiffer Wet Jet
“I take it back. Some trees don’t taste good (aspen)”
“Take me I’m…naked!”
“There have only been two villains in the history of Sci Fi that have actually made grown men pee themselves and lick their lips at the same time: Darth Vader, and Sephiroth.”
“A1 steak sauce is the greatest thing to happen to mankind since Brutus stabbed Shakespeare!”
“The bigger the ass, the easier it is to kick!”
“Hey guys, let’s pass gass gas.”
“Barney’s the scapegoat, and I don’t know why. He’s really not all that bad. Compared to some of the other crap they’ve produced recently, Barney’s prime time!”
“He’s Peeing! So’s he! Dang they’re all peeing! I’ve got like thirty two peeing sheep in my house!”
“Cat dog hate brick cement flooring termite hair greese zipper lodged scar antidisestablishmentarianism trivia sky in blue cucumber cranium gluteus maximus.”
~”Underwear” and “Spandex”
“Hop, two, three…wait…I lost count.”
“Sticking nacho cheese in the person’s pocket next to you is really fun.”
“Life sucks, then you die.”
“Don’t blame Cananada, blame the French. If it weren’t for the stupid French, Canadia would be cool.”
“A Nerd’s necessities: Dehydrated nutrient packets, non-drowsy Claritin, and a regular supply of Science Fiction videos.”
“Scoot, stop trying to hide this stuff from us. Our butts are bigger than yours.”
“Apparently I’m grounded…so…I’ll be up there in about five minutes”
“90% of people who eat peanuts live longer than people who don’t eat.”
“You lost me there, but that’s okay, a lot of people do.”
“Hi, I’m burp man, give me a merrit badge!”
“Everybody farts, I just have really bad timing.”
“(8) The balls on the bus go “squish” “squish” “squish” (8)”
“Men don’t like the cold shoulder much. Why? Because in the cold, men get major shrinkage…Men don’t like shrinkage.”
“I gotta fart, but I’m not gonna!”
“It’s not Pikachu, it’s the all powerfull cat god! What are you stupid or som’m?”
“I have a tingling sensation in my lower half…ahh…never mind.”
“The future is just the past when…….ah screw it. Let’s go get a pizza.”
“Has anybody seen my loincloth?”
“My butt is the one thing I won’t share. The other thing? Hell, I’ll share that with the world!”
“Ow! I got a butt zit!”
~Swiffer Wet Jet
“Evil as a foot”
“Go play on the freeway…go play kiss the bumper”
“Trees taste good!”
“Scoot! Stop stripping in my house!”
“Only the one who can shave the Peanut can become king…”
“I will not go against a person in a battle of wits when they are unarmed”
“You mean he said…er…she said…Bleh! I farted.”
“Smell’s gone. Now that smell is just me.”
“Because I’m sexier than you are.”
“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”
“Don’t get mad, get naked”
“Soccer is for Women, Queers, and the French.”
“American Football is the simple embodiment of the confused, drunk, violent soul that makes America such a wonderful place to live. Let’s go watch the Texans game. I’ll bring the swords, you bring the soda.”
“What’s he pooping at?”
BBD: So…you don’t mind if I let you go?
Kyo: If you must…
BBD: …I must.
Kyo: Oh bite me!
Scoot: So how’d the whole thing start?
BBD: Basically the Arab fundamentalists hate the Jews.
(Scoot belches loudly)
Poopy: That’s what the Arabs do you know. You should go fight for Hezbollah.
BBD: Your grandfather just called you a terrorist because you belched too loud.
Naner: Hot chocolate toast sounds yummy though, just like a runaway wedding in Vegas. Sounds great, never do it.
BBD: Or a drive through wedding. That just ascends to whole new levels of white trash.
Naner: Oh yeah! Would you like fries with your vows?
Kyo: One of my friends is pregnant, another one is getting married, and I want to smack them both in the face for being stupid!
BBD: Are you going to smack me in the face if I get pregnant?
Kyo: If you get pregnant, I’m sellin’ your ass on eBay!
Lumpy: Scoot? Where do babies come from?
Scoot: Your mom!
Some girl: Do you guys mind talking a little quieter?
Scoot: Why don’t you just think louder?
BBD: It’s a good thing men have moobs and not boobs. I would be the least productive person on earth if I had real boobs. Boobs are just too much fun to go do anything! I’d just sit and play with them all day.
Unkle Sam: Yeah, I wish I had boobs.
BBD: I wish I had boobs.
Kitty: I wish I had boobs.
Pathetic Liberal Fan (PLB): …Don’t call yourself a follower of God when you [oppose homosexuality], cause only Satan hates. GOD LOVES EVERYONE including gays so maybe should learn what “love” really means. You guys are corrupted by your hate and I hope that this letter saves you!
BBD: You know, that’s the great thing about being !US! is that we’re not obligated to give a damn about what you or anybody else thinks. ^_^ We take a moral position which is no longer politically convenient or socially popular, but don’t go trying to preach to us that we’re wrong. Nobody’s putting a gun to your head to make you watch our videos or visit our websites. I don’t go ragging on your beliefs, so I suggest you go on your merry way and leave me alone before I have to hack your email account and send monkey porn to all your contacts. Respectfully, Blackbelt Dolphin.
Fluffy: You’re writing [a martial arts textbook]?!
BBD: Well, someone already wrote one that covers the same material. More accurately I’m translating it into English from the original Dumbass.